To: for Thursday? Letter to the (incoming) Editor

To: Jessie Hovermom-Entitled, Editor-in-Chief 2010-2011
From: Ms. Overit, Journalism Adviser
cc: Mr. Ossified, Principal, Hannibal Hamblin High School

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Jessie,

I was so happy to get you emails last night. Thanks for thinking of me over the summer! I know it's hard to track me down since I don't 'tweet' and I don't 'facebook' and I still consider 'myspace' to be the four walls of my house. Good old fashioned 'email' will have to do, I'm afraid. Thanks for understanding that I am stuck in the 'old days.' I do hope that your comment about my not moving past the industrial revolution was just a joke!

I didn't realize that 'friend' had become a verb. As your teacher, I think we should remain 'teacher/student'.

Also, as we start out the school year, I'd like to let you know that I do stop reading my email at about 10 PM, so sending 28 emails with frantic subject lines, and then having your mom send another 17, doesn't make a difference if the computer is turned off. If possible, could you also capitalize your letters when appropriate and spell out your acronyms? Thanks.

My goodness but you are full of ideas for the Battling Brine Shrimp Standard!

Your enthusiasm is very nice to see. Some of the proposed changes are a little out of our reach, but we'll see what we can do! Here are a few thoughts I've had:

1. The hourly feature "what are the kids from Jersey Shore doing RIGHT NOW" is interesting. I'm not entirely sure how we might find that out, or post it, or if those hourly posts would get in the way of attending your other classes. So, we'll put that down for a 'maybe'. (Is there really someone named 'Situation'? Curious)

2. Your proposal for a piece that covers "Why Mindy is a Big Fat Slut" is a little troubling. While you make your argument at length, I think Mindy and her parents might have issues with your characterization. I do remember discussing Libel and Slander in class last year after the trouble with our coverage of the "Nerdy Knights" of the chess team. Might I suggest you ask Kyle why he decided to date Mindy instead of you, rather than splash your ideas in the hallowed pages of the Standard?

3. Renaming the Clubs section to "What the Losers Do At Lunch" might step on a few toes.

4. It's probably better if we don't announce that the Shrimp Varsity Football team lost all their games BEFORE the season even starts. Making up scores is frowned upon by almost every major news organization (except those owned by Rupert Murdoch, of course). We'll have to let the season play out.

5. Posting your mom's recipe for Chipotle Matzo Ball Soup might be a good idea. Can we edit out "serve with Bourbon"?

6. I'm glad your mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandfather, neighbor, and nanny are all attorneys; what interesting conversations you must all have! However, I think threatening the school and district to let us publish 'whatever we feel like or else' might set the wrong tone.

7. Deadlines are important. Writing "loser" in Sharpie on the foreheads of the staff members who miss a deadline is an interesting idea. Let's discuss this further.

8. Sponsoring our own dance so that you can be crowned Queen sounds like it would prove a little distracting. And having said dance at your house probably crosses a 'risk management' line.

9. Coupons DO have to be submitted by the businesses. We can't just publish "90% off anything you want in the mall" coupons.

10. We might be able to find a gavel for you this year. A crown is a different story.

Thanks again for your email(s). I do look forward to working together this coming year to take the Standard better!