No one listens to me, but of course I have really great ideas. Really, I do. In fact, here are three quick movie ideas.
1) Betty White & Matt Damon team up to fight crime, or run a beach side restaurant, or realize they were in love in some smashed up past.
2) Private think tank that tries to fight terrorists from far away countries. The threat? either a odorless, colorless gas that releases the adhesive from all post-it notes, or a computer virus that causes all television programs' scenes to be broadcast in random (rather than chronological) order.
3) Romantic comedy: Kai Ryssdaal and anyone.
Just a few; now will someone please make these? Thanks.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
To: for Thursday? Letter to the (incoming) Editor
To: Jessie Hovermom-Entitled, Editor-in-Chief 2010-2011
From: Ms. Overit, Journalism Adviser
cc: Mr. Ossified, Principal, Hannibal Hamblin High School
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Jessie,
I was so happy to get you emails last night. Thanks for thinking of me over the summer! I know it's hard to track me down since I don't 'tweet' and I don't 'facebook' and I still consider 'myspace' to be the four walls of my house. Good old fashioned 'email' will have to do, I'm afraid. Thanks for understanding that I am stuck in the 'old days.' I do hope that your comment about my not moving past the industrial revolution was just a joke!
I didn't realize that 'friend' had become a verb. As your teacher, I think we should remain 'teacher/student'.
Also, as we start out the school year, I'd like to let you know that I do stop reading my email at about 10 PM, so sending 28 emails with frantic subject lines, and then having your mom send another 17, doesn't make a difference if the computer is turned off. If possible, could you also capitalize your letters when appropriate and spell out your acronyms? Thanks.
My goodness but you are full of ideas for the Battling Brine Shrimp Standard!
Your enthusiasm is very nice to see. Some of the proposed changes are a little out of our reach, but we'll see what we can do! Here are a few thoughts I've had:
1. The hourly feature "what are the kids from Jersey Shore doing RIGHT NOW" is interesting. I'm not entirely sure how we might find that out, or post it, or if those hourly posts would get in the way of attending your other classes. So, we'll put that down for a 'maybe'. (Is there really someone named 'Situation'? Curious)
2. Your proposal for a piece that covers "Why Mindy is a Big Fat Slut" is a little troubling. While you make your argument at length, I think Mindy and her parents might have issues with your characterization. I do remember discussing Libel and Slander in class last year after the trouble with our coverage of the "Nerdy Knights" of the chess team. Might I suggest you ask Kyle why he decided to date Mindy instead of you, rather than splash your ideas in the hallowed pages of the Standard?
3. Renaming the Clubs section to "What the Losers Do At Lunch" might step on a few toes.
4. It's probably better if we don't announce that the Shrimp Varsity Football team lost all their games BEFORE the season even starts. Making up scores is frowned upon by almost every major news organization (except those owned by Rupert Murdoch, of course). We'll have to let the season play out.
5. Posting your mom's recipe for Chipotle Matzo Ball Soup might be a good idea. Can we edit out "serve with Bourbon"?
6. I'm glad your mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandfather, neighbor, and nanny are all attorneys; what interesting conversations you must all have! However, I think threatening the school and district to let us publish 'whatever we feel like or else' might set the wrong tone.
7. Deadlines are important. Writing "loser" in Sharpie on the foreheads of the staff members who miss a deadline is an interesting idea. Let's discuss this further.
8. Sponsoring our own dance so that you can be crowned Queen sounds like it would prove a little distracting. And having said dance at your house probably crosses a 'risk management' line.
9. Coupons DO have to be submitted by the businesses. We can't just publish "90% off anything you want in the mall" coupons.
10. We might be able to find a gavel for you this year. A crown is a different story.
Thanks again for your email(s). I do look forward to working together this coming year to take the Standard better!
From: Ms. Overit, Journalism Adviser
cc: Mr. Ossified, Principal, Hannibal Hamblin High School
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Jessie,
I was so happy to get you emails last night. Thanks for thinking of me over the summer! I know it's hard to track me down since I don't 'tweet' and I don't 'facebook' and I still consider 'myspace' to be the four walls of my house. Good old fashioned 'email' will have to do, I'm afraid. Thanks for understanding that I am stuck in the 'old days.' I do hope that your comment about my not moving past the industrial revolution was just a joke!
I didn't realize that 'friend' had become a verb. As your teacher, I think we should remain 'teacher/student'.
Also, as we start out the school year, I'd like to let you know that I do stop reading my email at about 10 PM, so sending 28 emails with frantic subject lines, and then having your mom send another 17, doesn't make a difference if the computer is turned off. If possible, could you also capitalize your letters when appropriate and spell out your acronyms? Thanks.
My goodness but you are full of ideas for the Battling Brine Shrimp Standard!
Your enthusiasm is very nice to see. Some of the proposed changes are a little out of our reach, but we'll see what we can do! Here are a few thoughts I've had:
1. The hourly feature "what are the kids from Jersey Shore doing RIGHT NOW" is interesting. I'm not entirely sure how we might find that out, or post it, or if those hourly posts would get in the way of attending your other classes. So, we'll put that down for a 'maybe'. (Is there really someone named 'Situation'? Curious)
2. Your proposal for a piece that covers "Why Mindy is a Big Fat Slut" is a little troubling. While you make your argument at length, I think Mindy and her parents might have issues with your characterization. I do remember discussing Libel and Slander in class last year after the trouble with our coverage of the "Nerdy Knights" of the chess team. Might I suggest you ask Kyle why he decided to date Mindy instead of you, rather than splash your ideas in the hallowed pages of the Standard?
3. Renaming the Clubs section to "What the Losers Do At Lunch" might step on a few toes.
4. It's probably better if we don't announce that the Shrimp Varsity Football team lost all their games BEFORE the season even starts. Making up scores is frowned upon by almost every major news organization (except those owned by Rupert Murdoch, of course). We'll have to let the season play out.
5. Posting your mom's recipe for Chipotle Matzo Ball Soup might be a good idea. Can we edit out "serve with Bourbon"?
6. I'm glad your mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandfather, neighbor, and nanny are all attorneys; what interesting conversations you must all have! However, I think threatening the school and district to let us publish 'whatever we feel like or else' might set the wrong tone.
7. Deadlines are important. Writing "loser" in Sharpie on the foreheads of the staff members who miss a deadline is an interesting idea. Let's discuss this further.
8. Sponsoring our own dance so that you can be crowned Queen sounds like it would prove a little distracting. And having said dance at your house probably crosses a 'risk management' line.
9. Coupons DO have to be submitted by the businesses. We can't just publish "90% off anything you want in the mall" coupons.
10. We might be able to find a gavel for you this year. A crown is a different story.
Thanks again for your email(s). I do look forward to working together this coming year to take the Standard better!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
NEW: Fiction Friday
at a lunch with a friend recently, she reminded me that I had hoped to spend more time on fiction than non-fiction with my writing, and ask the worst question in the world, "so, how's that going?"
She'll be punished.
With that, the next few weeks will be character sketches here on Fiction Fridays (posted on Saturday- what, you were never late?)
--
She isn't tall, she isn't thin, she isn't beautiful and without a calculator her math suffers (although she remembers life before calculators, so she isn't young, either). But she is and has always been smart about people. Brilliant, even. Especially about men.
At seventeen, her friends went on with "can you believe he said that? Did that?" and she realized that her first answer, "of course", wasn't the answer to keep her friends. And at twenty three she learned that her eye roll when another friend was tearing up about what an impossible man so-and-so was was never received well. Hours in the mirror helped her to learn to look compassionate, and concerned, and surprised, when her close friends went on (and on, and on) about this boy, or that boy, or the other boy, or occasionally this girl, or that girl. She was well versed in the occasional cluck, the drawn together lips, the furrowed brow. Playing the game was important.
She did care; she just wasn't surprised when men acted like men. Men treat women poorly, sometimes on purpose and sometimes for no reason. Being surprised about it was like being surprised when the sun came up or the fog rolled in. It's like toast popping up in the toaster- inevitable.
Finding a man was easy for her; it always had been. She has expectations, limits, rules and rewards. Her clarity and the ease with which she approached love and intimacy were always well received. So successful was she with men that it was always her who had to break up with him, whomever he happened t0 be. She had earned a reputation in town, and was all the more popular for it. Some women were jealous- what did she have that brought in the strong muscular (and always needy) types, or the wealthy and successful (and always seeking approval) types? Years ago she would have been branded a witch, a sorcerer, a gypsy with potions or some such.
When she had married, she had married to her advantage. Looking for men of means, with short attention spans and generous natures, had netted her two husbands who had helped her on the road to independence. The first husband, Gerald, paid off the college loans and left her with a bit of a nest egg when he left. His apologies were heart felt; she had let him down gently. Her second husband, John, was quite a bit more successful, quite a bit more generous, and quite a bit more guilt-wracked about his affair with his secretary.
She always knew it wasn't her; always knew that a man had to chase the next beautiful woman to come along; always knew that the only way to avoid death for him was to stay young forever. Youth favors a moving target. By the time she celebrated her thirty eighth birthday she knew that John wasn't long for her world, but had squirreled way enough to be comfortable, but not so much that he would have thought her callus and calculating when the discovery phase came around. She gave him her absolution and he gave her a substantial sum and a stipend and both walked away happy.
Finding her days empty, she wondered what she could do that might engage her. Another man seemed like a lot of work; a career felt like a marriage without a final settlement; and charity work appeared to be fraught with cheerful, bitter women with long tedious stories who wore silly shoes and unfortunate eye makeup. She wanted sanctuary, a safe place, a quiet room to think and not be disturbed too often by frivolous types.
She opened a bakery, downtown, across from a gym, next to a yogurt shop, and two doors down from a yoga studio. Who would be likely to wander through such a gauntlet for empty calories and chocolate sprinkles? Only her kind of people- women who had finally become themselves.
She'll be punished.
With that, the next few weeks will be character sketches here on Fiction Fridays (posted on Saturday- what, you were never late?)
--
She isn't tall, she isn't thin, she isn't beautiful and without a calculator her math suffers (although she remembers life before calculators, so she isn't young, either). But she is and has always been smart about people. Brilliant, even. Especially about men.
At seventeen, her friends went on with "can you believe he said that? Did that?" and she realized that her first answer, "of course", wasn't the answer to keep her friends. And at twenty three she learned that her eye roll when another friend was tearing up about what an impossible man so-and-so was was never received well. Hours in the mirror helped her to learn to look compassionate, and concerned, and surprised, when her close friends went on (and on, and on) about this boy, or that boy, or the other boy, or occasionally this girl, or that girl. She was well versed in the occasional cluck, the drawn together lips, the furrowed brow. Playing the game was important.
She did care; she just wasn't surprised when men acted like men. Men treat women poorly, sometimes on purpose and sometimes for no reason. Being surprised about it was like being surprised when the sun came up or the fog rolled in. It's like toast popping up in the toaster- inevitable.
Finding a man was easy for her; it always had been. She has expectations, limits, rules and rewards. Her clarity and the ease with which she approached love and intimacy were always well received. So successful was she with men that it was always her who had to break up with him, whomever he happened t0 be. She had earned a reputation in town, and was all the more popular for it. Some women were jealous- what did she have that brought in the strong muscular (and always needy) types, or the wealthy and successful (and always seeking approval) types? Years ago she would have been branded a witch, a sorcerer, a gypsy with potions or some such.
When she had married, she had married to her advantage. Looking for men of means, with short attention spans and generous natures, had netted her two husbands who had helped her on the road to independence. The first husband, Gerald, paid off the college loans and left her with a bit of a nest egg when he left. His apologies were heart felt; she had let him down gently. Her second husband, John, was quite a bit more successful, quite a bit more generous, and quite a bit more guilt-wracked about his affair with his secretary.
She always knew it wasn't her; always knew that a man had to chase the next beautiful woman to come along; always knew that the only way to avoid death for him was to stay young forever. Youth favors a moving target. By the time she celebrated her thirty eighth birthday she knew that John wasn't long for her world, but had squirreled way enough to be comfortable, but not so much that he would have thought her callus and calculating when the discovery phase came around. She gave him her absolution and he gave her a substantial sum and a stipend and both walked away happy.
Finding her days empty, she wondered what she could do that might engage her. Another man seemed like a lot of work; a career felt like a marriage without a final settlement; and charity work appeared to be fraught with cheerful, bitter women with long tedious stories who wore silly shoes and unfortunate eye makeup. She wanted sanctuary, a safe place, a quiet room to think and not be disturbed too often by frivolous types.
She opened a bakery, downtown, across from a gym, next to a yogurt shop, and two doors down from a yoga studio. Who would be likely to wander through such a gauntlet for empty calories and chocolate sprinkles? Only her kind of people- women who had finally become themselves.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
To: for Tuesday- to the Athletic Director
To: The Athletic Director
From: Your Friendly Yearbook Adviser
re: Sports Coverage, Yearbook 2010-2011
Thanks again for all your support for the Beige and Gray last year. This year we hope to do EVEN BETTER! But, of course, we need your help again!
First, a few apologies:
1. Sorry for placing the lunch ladies in the spot for the Varsity Football team. But, to be fair, the lunch ladies win EVERY DAY, and the 'Battling Beige' Brine Shrimp didn't really set the scoreboard on fire.
2. I'll admit, "Coach Wilson: Still Sober" was a questionable headline. Earning a sobriety chip is a accomplishment, though, and one that should be celebrated! If he ever gets to the point that he earns that elusive 30 day chip, we'll be there to cover it!
3. While I still support our coverage of "Flying Stunts Dangerous To The Cheerleader Fetuses", it might have been a little too graphic.
4. I will always regret my not clarifying the word "shrinkage" when used as a caption under the boys water polo team's group photo. I really thought we were referring to the decrease in the number of players this year, and not the effects of the underheated pool. This year we hope to run with the headline "Boys Water Polo: Back and Bigger Than Ever!" Please advise.
And now for our plans for this year! Thanks for your suggestions.
I would LOVE to have a 'pop up' section for the golf team. Unfortunately, we don't HAVE a golf team. You'll remember we discovered last year that the Golf Team was just a ruse for certain students to earn PE credit. Instead of practice, they just went to Denny's for the Grand Slam and Moons Over My Hammy breakfast.
While I see your point, I don't think referring to the Tennis Team as "fruity" sets the right tone. As the GSA adviser, I think implying the entire tennis team is not straight might be asking for trouble. I'd like to point out, also, that a few non-gay men wear white shorts (but none come to mind at the moment).
Increasing the number of pages for the sports teams is a great idea. I think adding 64 pages to the yearbook for individual portraits of each varisty player may be a tad extreme.
No, we cannot "cut-and-paste" the basketball players into the Staples Center. Nor can we place the superbowl tropy into the hands of the football team. Also, "photoshopping" the students to look "mightier" is a little beyond out technical ability at this time.
It would be undoubtably popular, but a "Ladies of the Locker Room" feaure isn't something I would like to bet my teaching credential on.
Here are a few quick requests:
1. We really do need the first and last names of the students on the team. We need those names to be the official, school record names, and not nicknames. "Stinky", "Big Bird", "Felon", "The Flatulence Kid", "Mr. Bench Rider", etc. are not OK. If the coaches don't know their rosters, maybe a team manager could help?
2. Team Group Photos really are important. This year, we're launching a new program called "We'll only ask you five times!" Specifically, we would like to only have to set up the team group photo no more than five times before we actually get the photo. Our deadlines are very tight, and every deadline is "game day" for us. After the fifth try, we will either use last year's photo or an artist rendering of the team drawn by the kids in the Anime Club.
3. Using photos that a parent shot is very difficult. Generally parents only shoot images of their own player, and having a two-page spread about one player is tough to justify. So, we really DO need to be at the games and on the field.
4. We love to capture the images of the teams after the big win (which, for us, is really any win). However, tradiationally the "we are number one" hand gesture uses the first, or 'pointer' finger, and not the second finger.
5. The girls volleybal team's uniforms are tighter than ever, I think "bootiliscious ballers" might not be well received.
Thanks again for all of your work. I'm looking forward to working together this year to make the best of the Brine Shrimps athletics program!
From: Your Friendly Yearbook Adviser
re: Sports Coverage, Yearbook 2010-2011
Thanks again for all your support for the Beige and Gray last year. This year we hope to do EVEN BETTER! But, of course, we need your help again!
First, a few apologies:
1. Sorry for placing the lunch ladies in the spot for the Varsity Football team. But, to be fair, the lunch ladies win EVERY DAY, and the 'Battling Beige' Brine Shrimp didn't really set the scoreboard on fire.
2. I'll admit, "Coach Wilson: Still Sober" was a questionable headline. Earning a sobriety chip is a accomplishment, though, and one that should be celebrated! If he ever gets to the point that he earns that elusive 30 day chip, we'll be there to cover it!
3. While I still support our coverage of "Flying Stunts Dangerous To The Cheerleader Fetuses", it might have been a little too graphic.
4. I will always regret my not clarifying the word "shrinkage" when used as a caption under the boys water polo team's group photo. I really thought we were referring to the decrease in the number of players this year, and not the effects of the underheated pool. This year we hope to run with the headline "Boys Water Polo: Back and Bigger Than Ever!" Please advise.
And now for our plans for this year! Thanks for your suggestions.
I would LOVE to have a 'pop up' section for the golf team. Unfortunately, we don't HAVE a golf team. You'll remember we discovered last year that the Golf Team was just a ruse for certain students to earn PE credit. Instead of practice, they just went to Denny's for the Grand Slam and Moons Over My Hammy breakfast.
While I see your point, I don't think referring to the Tennis Team as "fruity" sets the right tone. As the GSA adviser, I think implying the entire tennis team is not straight might be asking for trouble. I'd like to point out, also, that a few non-gay men wear white shorts (but none come to mind at the moment).
Increasing the number of pages for the sports teams is a great idea. I think adding 64 pages to the yearbook for individual portraits of each varisty player may be a tad extreme.
No, we cannot "cut-and-paste" the basketball players into the Staples Center. Nor can we place the superbowl tropy into the hands of the football team. Also, "photoshopping" the students to look "mightier" is a little beyond out technical ability at this time.
It would be undoubtably popular, but a "Ladies of the Locker Room" feaure isn't something I would like to bet my teaching credential on.
Here are a few quick requests:
1. We really do need the first and last names of the students on the team. We need those names to be the official, school record names, and not nicknames. "Stinky", "Big Bird", "Felon", "The Flatulence Kid", "Mr. Bench Rider", etc. are not OK. If the coaches don't know their rosters, maybe a team manager could help?
2. Team Group Photos really are important. This year, we're launching a new program called "We'll only ask you five times!" Specifically, we would like to only have to set up the team group photo no more than five times before we actually get the photo. Our deadlines are very tight, and every deadline is "game day" for us. After the fifth try, we will either use last year's photo or an artist rendering of the team drawn by the kids in the Anime Club.
3. Using photos that a parent shot is very difficult. Generally parents only shoot images of their own player, and having a two-page spread about one player is tough to justify. So, we really DO need to be at the games and on the field.
4. We love to capture the images of the teams after the big win (which, for us, is really any win). However, tradiationally the "we are number one" hand gesture uses the first, or 'pointer' finger, and not the second finger.
5. The girls volleybal team's uniforms are tighter than ever, I think "bootiliscious ballers" might not be well received.
Thanks again for all of your work. I'm looking forward to working together this year to make the best of the Brine Shrimps athletics program!
Monday, July 5, 2010
To: for Tuesday- The Summer Letter
To: The High School Staff
From: Your Intrepid Principal
re: 2010-2011
Well Howdy Do!
Here's hoping you are having just a great six weeks of summer! (unless you are teaching summer school, then it's just a quick 4 days off- but with proper planning you can cram a lot of vacation into that space!).
While the summer is short, those furlough days will feel great when they pop up every week or so, providing another day of rest sprinkled throughout the year ahead. Why not take these days as a total 'staycation' and turn off all power and water to your house? It's a great way to save! Thoughtful!
There are a few housekeeping chores we need to attend to:
1) yes, class sizes are a little larger this year. We will try to level the classes, as always. However, 'leveling' the classes this year means trying to balance the average weight and size of the students. We can't lower class enrollments, but we can strive to make sure the physical size of the students is as balanced as possible.
2) To avoid that claustrophobic feeling in the over-full classroom, here are a few tips:
a) ask the students to all wear the same color each day- hopefully a light tone or a pastel. While they love wearing black with big puffy coats, maybe a coordinated 'beige' or 'powder blue' day will help. If they all look the same they will blend into a background.
b) Oxygen is vital! Open windows and doors to keep that fresh air circulating! The rooms were designed for 20-30 students; 42 is a burden on the ventilation system. Students, and you, might begin to feel sleepy and disoriented if the oxygen levels drop. Leafy green plants might help. The biology department reminds us that algae on the ocean surface provides most of the earth's oxygen- maybe the mold growing in our ventilation ducts performs the same service?
3) We have lost our psychologist this year due to cut-backs and 'right sizing.' The district has come up with the new program "Comfort through Comfort Food." Send angry or troubled students to the cafeteria for meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
4) Copiers! The rumors are completely unfounded- we will still have the copier in the workroom! However, we do not ave any paper, so please bring your own from home or re-use previous assignments. Our hardworking students seem to be able to read 'between the lines' when it comes to having an English assignment printed over a human-anatomy diagram. Care should be taken, however. Avoid last year's 'dangling participial' embarrassment.
Also, toner is an issue. Teachers who choose may volunteer to "milk the squid" at the aquarium for extra ink.
5) Please use fewer vowels. The district director of finance has heard something about a need to 'buy a vowel.' If you must use vowels, use the letters 'u' and 'y' as these are less expensive than the big name vowels.
6) Use smaller fonts for email.
7) The collective bargaining with the PTA/PTSA has yielded a few changes. The homework center will stay open until midnight, and overnight child care will be added. In turn, the PTA parents will try to use the word 'trusted teacher' instead of 'freeloading tenure monkey' in their daily press releases and letters to the editor in the local paper.
8) Good news! The Right Wing Citizens Brigade has loosened up a little, and we no longer have to stone girls who break the dress code. The new procedure is to line the halls and shout 'harlot' as they walk to class. Teacher attendance is mandatory for this; names will be recorded and shirkers will be reported.
9) Sadly, the Lefty Pinko Parents and Partners Co-op still maintains that "farting noises" are protected speech, so students (but hopefully not the PE staff again this year) making mock flatulence noises cannot be disciplined or asked to stop. However students who are especially adept at these noises should report to the music program, as the metal instruments were reclaimed for recycling money last year and this year we can no longer afford 'wind' for the wind instruments.
10) The foreign language department has been changed. "Foreign" sounds too, well, foreign. We have adopted the new title "So THAT'S what they are saying about me!" The new title resonates with many of us who feel that people who speak other languages only do so make fun of us or cheat us.
11) We have replaced the school's bookkeeper with the word "No"
12) Instead of in-service days, we will be filling in for nurses at the local hospitals and guards at the local youth security facility as they take their furlough days.
The central office has a few reminders:
Because teachers' reputations are under attack again, the district office has informed us that they will no longer be visiting the school sites. District administrators are concerned about being labelled 'teachers' or 'educators', with the accompanying loss of self-esteem and community status. To this end, they will be 're-branding' the central office as a large 'Home Depot.'
If you see a central office employee on our site, approach slowly and don't make any sudden movements. If you run into one off-site, they ask that you pretend to not know them.
Our own district coordinator of curriculum is now to be known as "He Who Brings The Freshest and Dopest New Programs From Places and Consortium We Have Never Heard Of". All programs that show signs of success will be referred to as "Whack" and will be replaced with something untried or something that as shown promise when tried in small rural villages of the third world, or Pittsburgh.
The district guiding principles have been slightly modified with the addition of an asterisk after the phrase "all children can learn." The asterisk denotes a small addition that reads "probably not your student if she or he needs additional resources" and "this in no way constitutes a guarantee that your child will learn."
The district office will now be referred to as the "think tank" to improve the these employees' chances for being hired at the federal level.
We did not qualify for the 'Race To The Top' funds. I realize how devastating this is. We worked very hard on the application, and thought we had an excellent chance. Unfortunately, when the transportation department realized we would have to throw the teachers under the bus to qualify, they raised the issue of damaging the alignment on the buses. Sadly, we did not earn the $342.00 dollars the funds would have brought to the entire school.
Now, a few "do's and dont's" for this year:
Don't: Use expensive DVDs or PowerPoint presentations.
Do: Use sock puppets to get the point across
Don't: Use school facilities for personal needs
Do: Use the bathroom at home only!
Don't: Complain about custodial work
Do: Realize that sweeping and mopping is a cardio activity!
Don't: Overuse the defibrillator
Do: Shout "Boo!" really loudly to try to get the sinus rhythm going again
Don't: Overuse supplies from the supply closet
Do: Avail yourself of the generally unguarded pencils at the golf course!
Finally, I want to take ts opportunity to unveil this year's slogan. Following on the heels of 2008's "Doing More With Less" and last year's "Doing Even More with Even Less", this year we will be "Doing It All With Nothing."
Thanks, and let's all have a great year!
From: Your Intrepid Principal
re: 2010-2011
Well Howdy Do!
Here's hoping you are having just a great six weeks of summer! (unless you are teaching summer school, then it's just a quick 4 days off- but with proper planning you can cram a lot of vacation into that space!).
While the summer is short, those furlough days will feel great when they pop up every week or so, providing another day of rest sprinkled throughout the year ahead. Why not take these days as a total 'staycation' and turn off all power and water to your house? It's a great way to save! Thoughtful!
There are a few housekeeping chores we need to attend to:
1) yes, class sizes are a little larger this year. We will try to level the classes, as always. However, 'leveling' the classes this year means trying to balance the average weight and size of the students. We can't lower class enrollments, but we can strive to make sure the physical size of the students is as balanced as possible.
2) To avoid that claustrophobic feeling in the over-full classroom, here are a few tips:
a) ask the students to all wear the same color each day- hopefully a light tone or a pastel. While they love wearing black with big puffy coats, maybe a coordinated 'beige' or 'powder blue' day will help. If they all look the same they will blend into a background.
b) Oxygen is vital! Open windows and doors to keep that fresh air circulating! The rooms were designed for 20-30 students; 42 is a burden on the ventilation system. Students, and you, might begin to feel sleepy and disoriented if the oxygen levels drop. Leafy green plants might help. The biology department reminds us that algae on the ocean surface provides most of the earth's oxygen- maybe the mold growing in our ventilation ducts performs the same service?
3) We have lost our psychologist this year due to cut-backs and 'right sizing.' The district has come up with the new program "Comfort through Comfort Food." Send angry or troubled students to the cafeteria for meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
4) Copiers! The rumors are completely unfounded- we will still have the copier in the workroom! However, we do not ave any paper, so please bring your own from home or re-use previous assignments. Our hardworking students seem to be able to read 'between the lines' when it comes to having an English assignment printed over a human-anatomy diagram. Care should be taken, however. Avoid last year's 'dangling participial' embarrassment.
Also, toner is an issue. Teachers who choose may volunteer to "milk the squid" at the aquarium for extra ink.
5) Please use fewer vowels. The district director of finance has heard something about a need to 'buy a vowel.' If you must use vowels, use the letters 'u' and 'y' as these are less expensive than the big name vowels.
6) Use smaller fonts for email.
7) The collective bargaining with the PTA/PTSA has yielded a few changes. The homework center will stay open until midnight, and overnight child care will be added. In turn, the PTA parents will try to use the word 'trusted teacher' instead of 'freeloading tenure monkey' in their daily press releases and letters to the editor in the local paper.
8) Good news! The Right Wing Citizens Brigade has loosened up a little, and we no longer have to stone girls who break the dress code. The new procedure is to line the halls and shout 'harlot' as they walk to class. Teacher attendance is mandatory for this; names will be recorded and shirkers will be reported.
9) Sadly, the Lefty Pinko Parents and Partners Co-op still maintains that "farting noises" are protected speech, so students (but hopefully not the PE staff again this year) making mock flatulence noises cannot be disciplined or asked to stop. However students who are especially adept at these noises should report to the music program, as the metal instruments were reclaimed for recycling money last year and this year we can no longer afford 'wind' for the wind instruments.
10) The foreign language department has been changed. "Foreign" sounds too, well, foreign. We have adopted the new title "So THAT'S what they are saying about me!" The new title resonates with many of us who feel that people who speak other languages only do so make fun of us or cheat us.
11) We have replaced the school's bookkeeper with the word "No"
12) Instead of in-service days, we will be filling in for nurses at the local hospitals and guards at the local youth security facility as they take their furlough days.
The central office has a few reminders:
Because teachers' reputations are under attack again, the district office has informed us that they will no longer be visiting the school sites. District administrators are concerned about being labelled 'teachers' or 'educators', with the accompanying loss of self-esteem and community status. To this end, they will be 're-branding' the central office as a large 'Home Depot.'
If you see a central office employee on our site, approach slowly and don't make any sudden movements. If you run into one off-site, they ask that you pretend to not know them.
Our own district coordinator of curriculum is now to be known as "He Who Brings The Freshest and Dopest New Programs From Places and Consortium We Have Never Heard Of". All programs that show signs of success will be referred to as "Whack" and will be replaced with something untried or something that as shown promise when tried in small rural villages of the third world, or Pittsburgh.
The district guiding principles have been slightly modified with the addition of an asterisk after the phrase "all children can learn." The asterisk denotes a small addition that reads "probably not your student if she or he needs additional resources" and "this in no way constitutes a guarantee that your child will learn."
The district office will now be referred to as the "think tank" to improve the these employees' chances for being hired at the federal level.
We did not qualify for the 'Race To The Top' funds. I realize how devastating this is. We worked very hard on the application, and thought we had an excellent chance. Unfortunately, when the transportation department realized we would have to throw the teachers under the bus to qualify, they raised the issue of damaging the alignment on the buses. Sadly, we did not earn the $342.00 dollars the funds would have brought to the entire school.
Now, a few "do's and dont's" for this year:
Don't: Use expensive DVDs or PowerPoint presentations.
Do: Use sock puppets to get the point across
Don't: Use school facilities for personal needs
Do: Use the bathroom at home only!
Don't: Complain about custodial work
Do: Realize that sweeping and mopping is a cardio activity!
Don't: Overuse the defibrillator
Do: Shout "Boo!" really loudly to try to get the sinus rhythm going again
Don't: Overuse supplies from the supply closet
Do: Avail yourself of the generally unguarded pencils at the golf course!
Finally, I want to take ts opportunity to unveil this year's slogan. Following on the heels of 2008's "Doing More With Less" and last year's "Doing Even More with Even Less", this year we will be "Doing It All With Nothing."
Thanks, and let's all have a great year!
Monday- July 5: Made It
Whew.
Drugged dogs, glasses of wine, fewer fireworks.
Not the best of nights, still tense, but much better than just a year ago.
Dogs recovered, Hoovie running around like his frisky, bouncy self.
Whew.
Drugged dogs, glasses of wine, fewer fireworks.
Not the best of nights, still tense, but much better than just a year ago.
Dogs recovered, Hoovie running around like his frisky, bouncy self.
Whew.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Sunday- The Challenge of the Independent
New Laptop, new kyboard. Please be patient.
Seems the 'e' goes missing a little. Odd.
We'll just have to see if they can add this laptop to the school network. Seems anything past Windows 95 is suspicious, anything with all these 'bits'-- 64? too many!
But for now, the larger screen is nice, the better sound likewise. The new keyboard, though. A struggle. The O and the E are not playing along. Actually, all the vowels seem shy. Hmm.
But back to the point: My Liberal Dilemma. So, maybe it's Dilemma Sundays?
Today is July Fourth. OK, I really don't like most holidays (don't get me started on Christmas), but I used to like the 4th. In recent years, Rob and I took my mom to the fireworks in town, saw the whole town out there, enjoying the gentle weather (yay California!) and then watching the super patriotic display of the fireworks. Remember, as a Veteran, I pretty much love patriotic displays, as long as it's an 'all of us inclusive' kind of thing. That's the liberal in me coming through, though.
There is a carve out to my patriotism: the song "Proud to be an American." This could be the worst song ever. "Ain't no doubt"? Really. But I digress.
Back to the point. Last year, after the big show, we returned and began calming all three dogs. A challenge. Whoopi, 14 and pretty deaf, sails through. She generally doesn't wake up; sleeps through it all. The well earned rest of the aged.
Hoover, the young dog (four, acts like he's four months), goes predictably crazy. Shakes. Moans. Wails. Hides. Tears around the house like his tail is on fire. Then repeats all of this in three minute cycles. Sigh. CJ (about a year older than Hoovie) follows his lead.
This makes today about the worst day to be a dog. Especially in this neighborhood.
Now, I love this neighborhood- the cheap side of town, high density, low prices, great ocean breezes and even better burritos. Except tonight. It becomes fireworks central. Illegal; fire-danger providing; dog-terrifying; favorite of drunken dads, uncles and grandfathers fireworks. I guess if you drive a few miles inland there is a pipeline that brings artillery from Mexico that has been repurposed into fireworks. I'm not kidding, but I wish I was. Which takes us back to last year.
July 4, 2009. We get home, and begin calming the dogs. It's 9, then 10, then 11 PM. And the fireworks just keep going. Down the street, one street over, a beer-fueled father was setting off missiles. I don't know what else they could be called. In the center of the street is a 6 inch diameter pipe welded to a base plate. Then you set the RPG into the pipe, light the fuse, stagger away to get behind a car that is probably filled with gas, and wait. The rocket ignites, putting to shame every Cape Canaveral launch before Apollo 9. The weapon reaches 30 feet and explodes. The lights are impressive, the sound is deafening, and even more fun is the shrapnel that then falls onto the street, the cars, the houses and the dry dry hillside. It sounds like hard, hot metal rain.
How do I know? Because last year I waited until 11 PM, then walked down the street to 186 Leighton Street to ask Mr. Drunken Patriotism to pack it in. No, really, I'm that stupid.
(I'm providing the address this year because if the same thing happens this year, and I go missing, then it is up to YOU, loyal readers, to avenge me. Don't scoff!)
Last year our next door neighbor was in the last few days of her life. She was home, the hospice folks were there, and her family was sitting vigil. They were waiting for her to pass gently. And in the middle of this, we have a thousand dollars of pure pyrotechnic glory up the street. Did the neighbors complain? Nope. But I did.
In I went, cell phone in hand. I did ask nicely, I really did. The inebriated igniter laughed in my face. "This is entertainment" he bellowed. I was ignorant; it is his God given right to explode things on this special day. Well, this day as well as New Years Eve, and, oddly, Easter. An older gentleman was there too, grinning and sipping his Budweiser, and then he became very upset when I asked them to stop. I used words like "illegal", "dangerous", and, I'm pretty sure, "rude."
The older gentleman asked me, "how long have you live in this neighborhood?" I had to admit, only twelve years. "Ha! I lived here for 50!"
Oh. But, what does that mean, exactly? You have the right to blow the place up? Catch it on fire? For every decade, the right to break the law a little more? At 75 years, do you have the right to set up a meth lab? At 100, the ability to kill someone with no consequences? Sure, this is a stretch, but maybe not.
I explained that I had called the police (an empty threat, of course. 911 is pretty busy on this night, and living on this cheap side of town means a two hour delay for most calls, with many emergency calls never being answered).
In the end, no one punched me (although there were plenty of threatening gestures and lots of posturing). The fireworks continued, in complete defiance to my ill-considered request. The frequency may have increased (which works in my favor, I think, because they ran out a little sooner than they might otherwise have).
I didn't sleep a wink that night. Between soothing the dogs, waiting for the fireworks to be aimed at my house, and the inevitable (in my mind) vandalism to my house, I was jumpier than Hoover. THAT was July 4, 2009.
Bev, our neighbor, passed away on Monday, July 6th. Tuesday, I left for a road trip to Oregon, where I bought the property we now own in Astoria.
This year? I called the vet on Friday and picked up Doggy Downers for Hoover and CJ, and Rob has sworn to share his Xanax with me. I'll feel successful if I don't wind up down the street confronting the unaccountable, asking for courtesy from the disorderly.
Wish me luck. Next post: Monday July 5th. If this gets to Tuesday and no word from me, call the local Ventura PD!
And happy 4th of July. Ain't no doubt I love this land.
Seems the 'e' goes missing a little. Odd.
We'll just have to see if they can add this laptop to the school network. Seems anything past Windows 95 is suspicious, anything with all these 'bits'-- 64? too many!
But for now, the larger screen is nice, the better sound likewise. The new keyboard, though. A struggle. The O and the E are not playing along. Actually, all the vowels seem shy. Hmm.
But back to the point: My Liberal Dilemma. So, maybe it's Dilemma Sundays?
Today is July Fourth. OK, I really don't like most holidays (don't get me started on Christmas), but I used to like the 4th. In recent years, Rob and I took my mom to the fireworks in town, saw the whole town out there, enjoying the gentle weather (yay California!) and then watching the super patriotic display of the fireworks. Remember, as a Veteran, I pretty much love patriotic displays, as long as it's an 'all of us inclusive' kind of thing. That's the liberal in me coming through, though.
There is a carve out to my patriotism: the song "Proud to be an American." This could be the worst song ever. "Ain't no doubt"? Really. But I digress.
Back to the point. Last year, after the big show, we returned and began calming all three dogs. A challenge. Whoopi, 14 and pretty deaf, sails through. She generally doesn't wake up; sleeps through it all. The well earned rest of the aged.
Hoover, the young dog (four, acts like he's four months), goes predictably crazy. Shakes. Moans. Wails. Hides. Tears around the house like his tail is on fire. Then repeats all of this in three minute cycles. Sigh. CJ (about a year older than Hoovie) follows his lead.
This makes today about the worst day to be a dog. Especially in this neighborhood.
Now, I love this neighborhood- the cheap side of town, high density, low prices, great ocean breezes and even better burritos. Except tonight. It becomes fireworks central. Illegal; fire-danger providing; dog-terrifying; favorite of drunken dads, uncles and grandfathers fireworks. I guess if you drive a few miles inland there is a pipeline that brings artillery from Mexico that has been repurposed into fireworks. I'm not kidding, but I wish I was. Which takes us back to last year.
July 4, 2009. We get home, and begin calming the dogs. It's 9, then 10, then 11 PM. And the fireworks just keep going. Down the street, one street over, a beer-fueled father was setting off missiles. I don't know what else they could be called. In the center of the street is a 6 inch diameter pipe welded to a base plate. Then you set the RPG into the pipe, light the fuse, stagger away to get behind a car that is probably filled with gas, and wait. The rocket ignites, putting to shame every Cape Canaveral launch before Apollo 9. The weapon reaches 30 feet and explodes. The lights are impressive, the sound is deafening, and even more fun is the shrapnel that then falls onto the street, the cars, the houses and the dry dry hillside. It sounds like hard, hot metal rain.
How do I know? Because last year I waited until 11 PM, then walked down the street to 186 Leighton Street to ask Mr. Drunken Patriotism to pack it in. No, really, I'm that stupid.
(I'm providing the address this year because if the same thing happens this year, and I go missing, then it is up to YOU, loyal readers, to avenge me. Don't scoff!)
Last year our next door neighbor was in the last few days of her life. She was home, the hospice folks were there, and her family was sitting vigil. They were waiting for her to pass gently. And in the middle of this, we have a thousand dollars of pure pyrotechnic glory up the street. Did the neighbors complain? Nope. But I did.
In I went, cell phone in hand. I did ask nicely, I really did. The inebriated igniter laughed in my face. "This is entertainment" he bellowed. I was ignorant; it is his God given right to explode things on this special day. Well, this day as well as New Years Eve, and, oddly, Easter. An older gentleman was there too, grinning and sipping his Budweiser, and then he became very upset when I asked them to stop. I used words like "illegal", "dangerous", and, I'm pretty sure, "rude."
The older gentleman asked me, "how long have you live in this neighborhood?" I had to admit, only twelve years. "Ha! I lived here for 50!"
Oh. But, what does that mean, exactly? You have the right to blow the place up? Catch it on fire? For every decade, the right to break the law a little more? At 75 years, do you have the right to set up a meth lab? At 100, the ability to kill someone with no consequences? Sure, this is a stretch, but maybe not.
I explained that I had called the police (an empty threat, of course. 911 is pretty busy on this night, and living on this cheap side of town means a two hour delay for most calls, with many emergency calls never being answered).
In the end, no one punched me (although there were plenty of threatening gestures and lots of posturing). The fireworks continued, in complete defiance to my ill-considered request. The frequency may have increased (which works in my favor, I think, because they ran out a little sooner than they might otherwise have).
I didn't sleep a wink that night. Between soothing the dogs, waiting for the fireworks to be aimed at my house, and the inevitable (in my mind) vandalism to my house, I was jumpier than Hoover. THAT was July 4, 2009.
Bev, our neighbor, passed away on Monday, July 6th. Tuesday, I left for a road trip to Oregon, where I bought the property we now own in Astoria.
This year? I called the vet on Friday and picked up Doggy Downers for Hoover and CJ, and Rob has sworn to share his Xanax with me. I'll feel successful if I don't wind up down the street confronting the unaccountable, asking for courtesy from the disorderly.
Wish me luck. Next post: Monday July 5th. If this gets to Tuesday and no word from me, call the local Ventura PD!
And happy 4th of July. Ain't no doubt I love this land.
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